Sharon's Final Ride

Sharon's Final Ride

This was supposed to be Posted 11/17/2017…but suspended was until 12/22/2017…  

....be that due to busyness or avoidance the wait is over. 

The story of Sharon's cremation is nothing short of a miracle and the resulting benefits continue to amaze days and weeks later.  Had this truncated time table on 11/17 not succeeded our trip "home" would have been delayed probably four days. During that gap I would have missed the opportunity to connect with the 13 dorm kids who remained there before Thanksgiving Break.  These students did not get to say goodbye to Sharon.  As I travelled around the island with Sharon later during that Thanksgiving break I had conversation online with some dorm students who’ve already graduated and was struck by the fact that neither did they get to “say goodbye “to their dorm mom.  I’ve taken it upon myself in the coming months, as I close out 19 years of McGill dorm life, to try to contact each of the 136 of them and give them opportunity, if they so desire, to share what they’d have said had they had the chance to voice a farewell.  

Morrison has been kind enough to allow me to complete this year dorm parenting by myself with some assistance.   I was full of desire to honor that trust and generosity.   The drive in my heart to get back to the dorm kids as quick as possible to begin the process of grieving Sharon’s loss together can not be under exaggerated.

The night Sharon left us I curled up on a couch in the Airbnb we’d booked so we could all stay together.  Please don’t feel bad about that.  I slept just now in my lazy boy arm chair as I rested up in preparation to complete this piece of writing, at task that I’ve put off for days.  I love a good snooze on a couch or in an arm chair.  Sharon has been most gracious over the years to allow me latitude to enjoy that odd pleasure.   I’ve spent numerous evenings away from her after watching soccer games which occur in the middle of the night in Taiwan when played in the evening in Europe.  It’s a common colloquialism that “sleeping on the couch” is synonymous with marital trouble.  I can safely say that this was my first night on a couch that was in fact due to “marital trouble.”  It’s marital trouble of the worst kind since rather than the common scenario of not wanting to be together I was on the couch because we couldn’t be together.  

I’d been asked the night she passed by some of those who were slated to visit Sharon the next day if they could still come see us.   No answers for those queries when I laid my head down to rest that night.

6:36

I awoke 6 hours later and looked around the house.  “Absolutely!” I thought.  I made a snap decision. Everyone whose in the area and wants to connect with the memory of Sharon should come and bring some food and beverage.  We’ll have a party. I promptly began making arrangements to invite all who wanted to come and share time in Sharon’s honor that night.   Jesus welcomes everyone.  

9:30 

Most everyone was up in the Airbnb and cups of coffee were everywhere just as Sharon would have wanted.  

10:00 

Gwenn and Lana began the process of calling crematoriums.  On the first call they were told that “you want to contact Cortez Cremations”.  Turns out that Angela Cortez had a difficult experience with her fathers cremation and subsequently opened this family business to help others avoid that feeling of “being taken” at a time when they are grieving. Why another crematorium would direct us to a competitor whose price is half that of the rest is beyond me but Rick answered the phone and readily agreed to help us. We scheduled a 4:00 meeting for Gwenn and I to take care of that business.  

11:30  

Lana and i went  the hospital to meet with the chief financial officer and settle that bill. We spoke with Lana’s wise husband Hans to get advice on how to approach that meeting. There is a vastly humorous story that I will gladly share with you if you remind me when we are together next.   We were prepared for difficult news.  The meeting was a pleasant letdown as it occurred in the lobby of Sharps Medical Center and lasted about 3 minutes.  “We’ll let you know.” she said.  “Anything else I need to do now?” I asked.  “Nope” was her reply.  We walked to the car with a bewildered smile.  That’s really all I know about that topic even now.  I’m sure the story of how this bill will be paid is another miracle waiting in the wings. 

12:30

Lana and I arrived at the County Clerk to pick up the death certificates.  Finally a snag.  It had all felt too easy thus far.  There was paperwork required from the crematorium before the death certificates could be issued.  I called Rick at Cortez and explained the common Chinese usage of the term “Kung Fu” as being applicable to anything of great skill. I told him that I needed him to work up his best “Kung Fu” to speed up this process because the Country Clerk closed at 5:00 and certainly our 4:00 meeting time wouldn’t afford opportunity to take care of all business on this Friday.  Rick showed astute understanding and said, “I’ll try to pull a rabbit out of my magic hat.”

At this point I’d to reiterate the source of my urgency.  This was Friday.  The County Clerks Office and the Crematorium would both be closed for the weekend.   Not knowing what was about to transpire in my life with Sharon at the time I’d recently announced that after 15 years of service my tenure as the varsity soccer coach was at an end.  Now Sharon had left me.  If I were to lose another major portion of my life in the same month….well let’s just say that this has been difficult enough as it is and I am so very grateful to the school for trusting me and allowing me latitude to complete a job that on paper they perhaps ought not to.  Thus  I was driven by this desire to honor that gift and to return to be with these 13 students and begin the process of grieving this loss together.   If I had to wait to complete this process on Monday, possibly picking up her remains on Tuesday and flying back Wednesday I’d miss those students until after Thanksgiving Break.  The possibility of Sharon’s body being released from the hospital to be taken to  the crematorium to be processed and the death certificates being issued by the county clerk in the remaining hours was slim.  My sense of urgency was at a peak but somehow a sense of calm remained.   I am certain as to where I attribute the praise for that blessing.  

12:45

As we walked out of the County Clerks office I suggested to Lana that we take a chance and drive to the crematorium since it was on the way to the Airbnb.  We arrived, parked and I opted for a 10 minute nap.  3 minutes into my nap the phone rings.  It’s Rick, ‘I’ve got a rabbit” he says.  I respond, “I’m parked outside.”  

1:15

We enter and meet Angela who owns the business and is somehow now available where she wasn’t earlier.  I never even asked about that.  She was so connective and personable.  We shared stories from each others grief experiences and she began to process the necessary forms. There were questions that I didn’t know the answer to.  Time to call big sister Gwenn. 

1:30

When Gwenn answered and realized we were at the crematorium already she was taken by surprise and annoyed.  Rightly so I say.  It was supposed to be she and I going at 4:00 to settle matters for her precious little sisters cremation.  She understood the need to move the timetable up in order to at least try to get things done before the weekend.  As our call ended I was uncomfortable.  I wanted Gwenn to be there.  She needed to be there or I’d elect not to proceed.  Time was an issue though and to go pick her up with the one car we had available could put the whole opportunity in jeopardy.  What to do?  My mind spun and then I thought of Isabella.  One of our dorm daughters, now in college in LA, had wanted to come to the party planned for Friday evening but had a function she had to attend so had come in the afternoon.  I need to call her mom and tell her how responsible her daughter. is.   Anyway Izzy was the extra set of tires needed.  She grabbed her keys and Gwenn and drove over to Cortez.

2:00 

They arrived and we began again with the lovely Angela to process all the paperwork for signing off on Sharon’s cremation.  Gwenn and I sat next to each other and it felt right as we took another step in saying farewell to Sharon together.  Isabella was glad to help but I’ve made it clear to her that the altered timing of her visit to us was no accident.  Angela was surprised to note that the physicians at the hospital had already signed off on Sharon’s body.  “Oh wow” she said, “that’s already done.  Well, this will be easy.” 

3:00

With the business at the crematorium completed we departed for the County Clerks Office seeking another attempt to get the death certificates before they closed.   At this point I was optimistic and hopeful.  It appeared that God had orchestrated a miracle and that Josh and I might be home before Thanksgiving.  When I looked into the relatively vacuous eyes of the lady behind the counter there was no look of understanding our need.  She was not reading the urgency and anticipation in my eyes.  This was just another poor soul at the end of a long day at the office.  Disaster appeared to have struck at the last moment.  I glanced around behind her for someone else.  Anyone really.   As we began to explain our situation for the second time at a slower pace the door behind her opened and one of the ladies from our previous visit appeared, “oh your back” she says.  There were many words spoken on this day but those may have been the best.  I knew right then that this was going to happen.  Little Miss Inattentive, seeing our connection, perked right up and looked over our forms from the crematorium stating after a brief examination,  “so that’s 5 copies you’ll be getting right?”  Music to the ear.  Shortly there after we slid over to the cashier window and paid whatever the amount was to cover the cost.  As I took hold of these difficult pages I looked to the right and the time on the clock read…..

4:05

We exited the County Clerks office with the death certificates in hand.  On the way home Rick called to announce, “I got her”.   He informed that he was going in Saturday morning to work extra hours and was moving Sharon up the list so she’d “be ready” for us before our departure.  

At this point I will skip ahead to the following morning to complete this tale here and now.  Friday night was a story in it’s own right that I’ll tell when I’ve finished with this. 

Saturday AM

James, Mark and Josh elected to travel with me to pick up Sharon at Cortez.  When we arrived at the crematorium the next morning Rick informed that he’d gone to the hospital to get Sharon the day before in his personal vehicle because the company car wasn’t available.   His transport is a Dodge Caravan.   That Sharon’s last ride should be in that vehicle holds great value for me because I figure we’ve probably put some 95000 miles in summer travels on cars through Dollar Rent a Car and our vehicle of choice has always been the Dodge Caravan.  God is a God of detail.  As I paid Rick the moneys for the expedited cremation service Rick revealed that Angela had also cut that fee i half for us.  God is generous.  When I opened the folder to put in the travel permission forms that Cortez had drawn up for us Rick noticed the death certificates inside.  “Oh!!” he exclaimed. “You already got those.”  “Yes” I said, “We went down and picked them up after we left you yesterday afternoon.”  Looking at his puzzled face I asked, “is that not normal?”  “No” Rick responded staring down at the documents. “No, Ive never seen that.”  “Well how long does it usually take?” I asked. “5-10 days” he replied.  “I’ve seen two days before but never the same day.”  As we drove back ‘home”, I am a TCK so the airbnb that we stayed at became “home’ the moment we walked in the door, as we drove the singular thought running through my mind was, “God is in control.”

There’s a whole story about getting plane tickets to go home but I’ll save that to share with you in person when we are together next.  

Suffice to say that the thought “God is in control.” kept rambling through my brain as we traveled “home” over the next hours and when Josh and I walked into the dorm on Monday evening, having surrendered Sunday to the International Date Line, we had two days to spare before Thanksgiving vacation.  It was  ample time to connect with the current dorm students before the break.  That was both significant and important in the process of grieving the loss of Sharon.  

Friday is Party Night ….backtracking a bit…

  

This is the review I wrote for the AirBnB:

Apparently we ended up being the first guests to stay in this location. The occasion is not one anybody wishes for but we don't always get to choose in life. On the eve of our stay my wife of 27 years passed away just the day after her 54th birthday. Nicole and John's place was a perfect respite for our grief. When I walked in the door and saw the Scrabble board on the coffee table I was astounded. Sharon loved Scrabble . The trays were filled with letters. Pray, Eat. Let's Go. Ride To. Do Enjoy. Sharon was a crafting genius. Her craft room has an "Edisonesque" feel to it. She loved "doing". She loved to travel. We live overseas and have put well over 100,000 miles on Dodge Caravans from Dollar rent a car in the summers in the US. Her fathers every mailed letter is a litany of the various meals he's enjoyed of late and she is his daughter. A fantastic cook who "made gourmet meals out of just cornbread and beans." Every meal was an event with Sharon. The words chosen for those Scrabble trays could not have been more appropriate for us. The night after she passed I invited all who were in the area and yet planning to come visit her to come by for a party. It was a diverse selection of humanity connected by the memory of an amazing woman. The counters and tables flowed with food and beverage. There was laughter throughout the house and fittingly so, for Sharon's signature skill beyond the elements I've already mentioned was her contagious laugh. It was an evening to remember and the venue could not have been more perfect. Thank you Nicole and John for providing a place of catharsis. I will not doubt at some point return to enjoy another sunset from the driveway.

The attendee’s at this event that joined our families included: Friends from Taipei days Nancy Plasschaert, Jamie Wei and Tina Lee who honored Sharon by playing a game of Scrabble on a board they’d brought specifically for that purpose.  For the record Nancy was the victor in that classic board game event.  Continuing with the theme of the night Carol and her impressive boyfriend Calvin employed the Scrabble board on the coffee table in a match of younger folk.  Daniel Kwon, a former soccer Mustang of mine joined them but seeing as he’d already turned in his tiles several times midway through the game it was a match between the young sweethearts.  I enjoyed watching them maneuver those tricky waters of competition that can challenge any relationship to it’s foundational core.  For the record Calvin was the victor and DK was a very gracious loser.  I’d guess that Carol will be back for another round with Calvin which is the correct response every time for anyone who comes in second in any event.   There was Yuli and Will and their lovely two youngsters who were the only “little people” to attend this gig.  Sharon taught Yuli 4th Grade up at Bethany in Taipei.  She taught William Second grade down at MAK.  Neither of them came to Taichung for high school electing instead to go to California for high school.  When the age of texting came around they found each other, drawn perhaps by there time spent with a common elementary teacher.  Would I like to know what Mrs. McGill wrote in young Yuli’s  fourth grade yearbook. I'll certainly would. She wrote  and I quote  ‘Yuli you need to work to be more humble.” Mrs. McGill.  Pretty harsh on a 4th Grader Sharon.  Yuli says she was angered when she read it years ago but has come to see, as have so many others, that Sharon was right.   Rachel Hudlow, who was so helpful the whole time we were in SD, attended 4 years of college at Point Loma and had not idea that James Grandi had ever lived in Taiwan.  James spent three great years in the McGill Dorm.  His father, Scott altered a mens retreat he was in charge of so he could attend Sharon’s last party.  His mother Donna is credited with giving me many years of Morrison Yearbooks from her years of service as Board Chair over in Taiwan.  Her generous addition  of annuals completes the most extensive private collection of Morrisonian’s anywhere in the world.  The crew from Cal Baptist enjoyed time with James and Mark and Joshua as they were all the same era.   Jim Lin, who buys everything by the case and his lovely wife Rosanna showed up a bit later but a trunk full of more food and beverage. The feast expanded and Sharon smiled I’m sure.  Rosanna attended a small satellite school of Morrisons in Hsinchu same as I did.  That’s a very small segment of humanity to connect with.  The two Micahs  Foreman and Gardner who are some of the best story tellers I know were spinning yarns all night.  And finally Beth Stoker who keeps it all together.

This was an evening of eclectic connection such as I’ve never seen.  If I've missed anyone in that description I apologize.  It was a slice and I think a bit of what heaven will be like.  We will certainly enjoy being together.  On this occasion we were missing Sharon but praising God that she was spared a long painful battle with the monster that cancer has become. I know there are others in the area and I wish all had been able come and share food and laughter.   Heaven is coming and then we’ll all be together and there will be no need for sparing of anything.

I express deep gratitude to God and to all of you who have so much care and support for our family. 

Sharon's Final Day

Wed.  11/29

I apologize in advance for the length of this piece of writing.  Should you choose to take the time required to proceed you are at the mercy of my grief.  Dr. Dan Jensen, used to teach writing in college and would regularly require students to “cut the document in half”.  I respect Dr. Jensen greatly but on this occasion am allowing myself to wallow in verbosity.  Thank you for your time and understanding. 

There are several pieces left to this story and for obvious reasons they are hard to write.  For the time being she is gone.  I fear I will not share what happened accurately. History always has more than one side. I have concern also that my view might offend some. My desire is to honor Sharon in regards to her life and in her passing. We've lived a public life these past 19 years, sharing time with 136 teenage "family" members.  There is much to celebrate. I hope the following words hit the "bullseye" of praise that Sharon's life deserves.

Levity has been one of the mediums of this expression and rightfully so for anyone who knew Sharon will not be able to forget the base fact that her hallmark was laughter. It's the most common thread through all the many pages that have been written about her recently.  These next two pieces are a description of serious scenarios, her passing and her cremation.  I fear some may feel unease with levity drawn here as being inappropriate.  If that is your sense as you read I apologize.   I'd like however, for us all to always remember Sharon with the laugh that we loved and will now occasionally crave. She's had that from the start, thank you Lord, and deserves it to the end I feel.  They say it is the best medicine right?  We are all in need of medicine now.  With that in mind, coupled with our faith that she was leaving , and now has left this broken world which will always be in need of a smile, I am at peace having read this many times before posting.  She's in heaven giving that thumbs up that she gave to so many friends and hospital staff in her final week and voicing that word of approval that she gave her friend Karla, "bullseye".

November 16, the day after Sharon's 54th birthday. 

Micah Foreman arrived midday with In & Out burgers for lunch.  "How'd the ordering go" I asked him, knowing that In & Out can be a trial in that department.  "I'm from Tucson" he said, "I don't know how to order this So Cal stuff.  I just showed her your text and they took care of it. I was nearly 'jumped' on my way in several times though. That's a serious box of burgers."   A fitting tribute to Sharon for lunch on this day.  She loved a good burger.   A decade ago, on a sports tournament concessions day at Morrison, Sharon and I were walking in opposite directions. 20 yards out she began the conversation. "Should I get another burger? I don't really need one but they're so good.“  I didn't really need to be there. The conversation was with herself and she knew the right answer, like we so often do, but equally often, don't like the answer so we continue the conversation hoping we can alter the answer in our "favour”.  Favor was put in quotes because so often it's not so much our favour as it is our "preference". Anyway, as I said,  I was going the opposite direction that day long ago so I don't know the actual end of that story. I'd guess she got the burger but she was a woman of strong will and conviction so I can equally see a scenario where she listened to the voice of reason and held off on the gluttonous moment.  Were we to switch places I most certainly would have gotten the burger. The beauty of that thought is that while Sharon would have perhaps questioned that choice of mine and certainly would have voiced her opinion she would not have deprived me of the selected pleasure nor judged me for my choice.  Well this certainly is a lengthy and nostalgically philosophical diversion on a subject, or tangent perhaps, of a topic so simple,  yet it's so fitting.  As it turns out, Sharon's final words were about food.  While I might have liked them to be either of these nearby options ,"see how obedient I was." Or regarding her father, "he's a handsome man".  Both of those are honoring to her integrity and her complimentary nature and would have been commendable.  

 However, as it turns out, her last words were in fact "In & Out", expressed with serious intent to get out of that bed and into a car and go for just one more double double.  It is perfect really because, although laughter seems to be the reminiscent recurrent theme for those who've written about her, she remains Sharon, daughter of Art Stejskal, whose most every letter to us in the past 27 years has been a litany of that day's consumption.  That Art’s  daughters final words should have been about food is perfect. Sharon understood the value being together and the way in which food is so often the catalyst that makes connection happen. As singer song writer Rich Mullens, who also left us early in life,  said of his mother, "she could make a gourmet meal out of just cornbread and beans." Every meal Sharon ever made was an event in and of itself, most often with meaningful conversation and always with that most prominent gift God gave her, laughter.  Thank you Micah. You didn't get her in a car to go to In and Out as she desired, in fact she didn't  even get a bite from that magnificent box of burgers but it was in the room and I'm sure she  reveled inside at the scent.

The afternoon is a blur. I'm sure it was spent watching Sharon work hard to breath as we did so much those last few days, wanting as everyone ever involved in her life to "do something, anything" to help. Really what we all wanted was to keep her around longer even if it was just for a bit, to enjoy the sweet pleasure of the "game" she brought.  Her living in this past year has been, if anything, even sweeter than it was in years past. Once she accepted that this battle was here to stay for the time being and that she would take on that fight, she lived with even more energy, poise and smiles than she had previously .  Appropriate perhaps now to share one last time her three best lines making light of a difficult situation. 

1.) "best weight loss program ever."

...regarding cancers destruction of 40 of the pounds she carried around. 

2.) "I should have gotten cancer a long time ago. Everybody's telling me how beautiful I look now." ...regarding the many compliments for her creative head ware...

3.) "painless PT." ...as her strange frozen shoulder of several months "mysteriously" disappeared during the homeopathic stage of her fight against the cancer.

By 6:00 Micah had departed and former dormies Miller and Guro arrived with more Mexican food. As we are eating and sharing  in the waiting room  I looked up and Lana was beckoning me from the doorway.  It's that moment when the eyes speak and mouth does not need to.  "You should come now" she said silently.  I called my unsuspecting sons and we walked, my feet were heavy.  As the rest of the family members followed Guro and Miller were left alone in the waiting room.  When I reached room 515 I was very uncomfortable and couldn’t settle in my spirit.  Without entering the room I circled back to the waiting room and beckoned my dorm children to come join the family. I wish all 136 could have been there and squeezed into that little private room.  Alas Angela (Alias "Guro"), who grew up in a Taiwanese family but loves Christmas because she spent just 3 years living with Sharon and Stephen (alias "Miller"), who finally conceded to us after many discussions that “yes it's true he doesn't understand women”; these two had the task of representing the masses from 19 years of McGill Dorm history in this pivotal moment. Others on hand for this horrendous yet glorious brief season included friends and family new and old, hand picked for the occasion. Rachel whom I'd just met that week in San Diego. Rachel is a fellow TCK and is warm and instantly connective. She works in Tijuana and was helpful in getting Sharon back across the border earlier in the week. Her friend Jane, whom I'd never met but is unassuming and sweet and somehow fit in perfectly.  Jesus welcomes everyone.  Tess, the nurse on duty who, in the space of a few hours clearly loved us and prayed privately outside the door for Sharon.  Praying nurse #1, who hurried over from ICU, having just gotten off duty.   Lana the brave and generous friend who helped Sharon fight cancer as she had always wanted to even if that form of the battle ended up being brief. Megan, Sharon's ship piloting US Naval officer niece who'd planned on joining us in Taiwan for Thanksgiving but altered her travel arrangements and had  just flown in from Japan. Megan's parents Don, the counselor with his constant calm presence and sister Gwenn, the ICU nurse whose ever attentive and experienced care made the last week with Sharon bearable for me. Sharon's father Art, the eternal optimist, who will turn 90 just after the new year.  There is a short novel that waits to be written about this consistent man who raised two amazing daughters, one of whom lay before him not wanting to leave him before his upcoming birthday party but having no choice but to go ahead to a party much better.  Finally the four men who have been most directly involved in Sharon's life for the past 27 years. Josh the future PE teacher full of her passion, James the future friend of Jesus to the Muslim world full of her compassion and Mark the future civil engineer full of her conviction and finally me the story teller, who knows no strangers, her best friend over the past quarter of a century, full of so much of her in so many ways. 

This is the eclectic crew that God assembled to join with Sharon as she parted ways with this world …because He welcomes everyone.

We sang some hymns. Lana and Rachel should receive a medal of some sort for a combination of courage and persistence, to honor their efforts in this regard.  Our collective production was less than impressive and might best be described as unprepared, lacking in energy and cohesion.  I'm not even sure if those are fitting words to describe a musical event but I think they are probably accurate as well as seemingly appropriate.  While Sharon and I have both loved music neither of us could ever be described as having any musical prowess. I think someone finally got something going on a phone that we could all hum along with and that was a blessed improvement.  

I heard, "Somebody tell a story."   "Well I wonder who should do that?" I thought.  I'd not prepared anything for this moment. I'm not sure that one can, or if somehow they were able to, even should.  Sometimes spontaneity brings out the best, or at least most honest response.  Between those two unequal opponents Sharon would have chosen the honest response. I hope that is what she got.

I spoke first of Sharon's tip for managing the common problem of sipping hot drinks without burning your tongue.  Free of charge from Sharon to you and the several nodding heads in the room as I brought it up: just generate a bit of saliva on the tip of your tongue and it acts as insulation, works every time.  

Next up was Sharon's cooking prowess.  I reckon that is easily in the top five things I will miss the most.  I brought up the aforementioned Rich Mullins song that says "his mom could make a gourmet meal out of just cornbread and beans."  As so many of you can attest most every meal with Sharon was both an experience and a pleasure.

Next up was the tale of the big fire & the little hose.  Sharon and I always sought to bring both adventure and order to life in the dorm.  Perhaps it was I who sought a range of adventure and she who sought to bring order.   At any rate, in an effort to aid the adventure side of that equation I used to light big fires for the lads. Around Chinese New Years it is customary in Taiwan to dump out the old and bring in the new. Hence there is often a lot of used furniture sitting on the side of the road waiting to be hauled to the dump.  We'd get the blue truck and go foraging for fuel. Then, come evening, we'd build a tower with our loot and I'd climb a ladder and pour gasoline all over it leaving a trail running back some 20 yards.  A quick flick of the thumb on a lighter and the power of a pyrotechnical show with front row seats was only moments away.  The last of these engagements was a dousey and for whatever reason I'd invited the girls along as well.  I'm so glad I did because my brother, the school superintendent, ended up building a housing high rise for staff right on top of my burn site.  Likely he thought it the only way to put a stop to this dangerous tradition.   Truth be known, as Sharon would want, I always asked my brothers permission hence he knew these were happening and I've always wondered if he didn't position himself in some nearby window to enjoy the show. The building plan occurred after this fire but I wonder if I didn't somehow know this would be the last of these rides. At any rate I'd pulled out all the stops, collecting a grand cache of dressers and desks that then secretary Beth Turner had tipped me off about. I must admit that even I was a bit concerned on this one as the flames and heat rose high with trees over the wall nearby.  So where is Sharon in all of this? Her role, as it turns out, is two fold. Both were integral.  First, for the simple fact that she'd even let me do this.  There are plenty of folk in this world, in fact perhaps most, maybe even most of you reading this, who would have said flatly, "no". "That is unsafe and we should not do it."  Had she stated thus I would have complied, disgruntedly,

of course, but obedient to her wisdom in the end. Alas she did not and therein lies another beauty of Sharon. An event that she could control, that scared her, she allowed, trusting me, even though it was hard for her I'm sure.   In the end she gave memorable pleasure to some 95 odd people roaming the earth today who can say, "that was crazy and I was there to witness it." What a gift she gave of this nature on that and numerous other occasions.  Sharon's second gift was that of vigilance. During this violent session she stood on the side holding a slender hose gently dripping with a bit of water.  At the height of the blaze her small precautionary measure would have done little to quell the flames. That's not the point though. The fact that she was thinking about it, had a plan, and was ready to act speaks to the protective nature she  shared with us all.  I don't know what I'm going to do without that.  Even just since she's been gone to the States I confess that I've left the coffee pot empty and on twice. Who will watch out for me now? I have confessed this to Josh and he says he will watch out for this. He is her son, but seeing as he doesn't turn off the lights much either it's hard for me to trust his vigilance as I could Sharon's.

As I watched her heart rate slow on the monitor I moved on to the next thought of her that came to mind.  Event planning was a skill of Sharon's that will be sorely missed as well.  Each year in the McGill Dorm we've held a Blind Date Night at which we invite a date for each of our dorm kids to attend a meal and some games.  Someone asked about our craziest one. There is no question as to the correct answer. It only happened once.  Dare, never mind "truth", just "Dare”.  A dozen of them in a row and everybody did it all.   I told the students that we invited I couldn't guarantee they would enjoy the event but I could promise it would be memorable. 1.) A shot of lemon juice 2.) wasabi peanuts. 3.) grab a banana with one hand and squeeze vigorously. 4.) Bite off a chunk of apple and shoot it from your mouth across the table into your partners mouth.  Most failed miserably at this, no doubt on purpose.  5.) Girls smash their feet in a bowl of soft spaghetti noodles. 6.) Guys wash the girls feet and then place marshmallows between her toes and then bravely bite them out. Time to take the party outside. 7.) Grab a glob of peanut butter and give your partner a good firm handshake. 8.) Get a bottle of coke and drink it in one swig.  If you are unable to finish it in one shot you have to pour the rest over your head.  9.) Get a raw egg and crush it under your arm pit.  Sadly I was the only person to complete this apparently impossible task.  For those with eggs left over, which was everyone, the girl got to drop it from the balcony for their date to “catch”.  None of the eggs survived. 10.) We proceeded out to the mud pit I had prepared.  One person got a bottle of chocolate syrup and the other a can of whipped cream with instructions to shower each other standing toe to toe.  11.) Each person received a can of crazy string to spray their partner with.  12.) we rolled in the mud beneath us.   After a break, for everyone to shower and place their garments in the trash,  Sharon prepared a 16 foot long burrito and a 12 foot long banana split dessert for them to enjoy following their recent ordeal.  Those kids were all troopers. Fittingly Miller and Guro who were in the room with us had been on hand for that crazy gig that Sharon and I orchestrated.

Finally I noted Sharon’s laughter at Morrison drama performances.  Mr. Beck, the director would tell the actors and actresses that on the nights that Sharon was there they’d likely have to allow just a bit of extra wait time for Sharon’s laughter to settle before they delivered their next line.  She livened up the room. 

With such a talented and multifaceted person as Sharon was it's tough to choose what to talk about.  Those the five representative moments that came to my mind in her closing moments. 

As I spoke Sharon's heart rate slowed and her breathing eased.   Various family members leaned over and whispered their final comments in her ear, giving her permission, against our collective desire, to go on ahead and wait for us over there where we will be together one day. 

Thank you to those of you who've read this, for going back in time and joining us in that room.  Sharon was an introvert and loved her time alone, despite that she spent her life sharing with people and she'd have wanted you all to be there.

11/16....I had this written but didn't get it posted yesterday....it take us through the early afternoon of the 16th.  I'll work on one last post to finish things out...it may take awhile but I'll get there.  Didn't want to waste this though since it was nearly done....Thank you all for journeying with us...

“Hard but good”.  A chosen response to any question that is asked regarding my/our condition.  It is a true description of each of the past 8 days or 8 months.  Even though her strength is diminishing Sharon is still making us laugh.  

At 3:00am

”I want my coffee” she says while pointing her curved finger at the chair across the room.  Sharon has never pointed with her finger stretched out straight.  Why is that?  It’s a mystery.  “Alright” she says, “I’ll stay in my bed.”  After the first sip of coffee, “nectar of the Gods” She follows that edict with a plea. ”Now let's get on with the mission!”  Gwenn, Lana and I ask, “what mission?  ”To get in the chair.” she blurts out  determinedly.   We offer a displeasing but calculated response. “Aaah yeah we could try that but it didn’t go so well yesterday and takes a lot of effort.”  After a few quiet moments she says ,echoing the spirit of every person on the planet, ”I like to be in control.”  More silence as we all let that sink in.  Sharon breaks the silence ”I was pretty obedient wasn’t I”.  If everyone on earth could follow this path of honesty and compliance we’d all be in better shape. 

5:30am Sharon blurts out this intriguing question, “How am I gonna get in the car?” Seeking information we ask, “Where are we going?”  Without pause she responds matter of factly, “In and Out Burger” We probably should have been able to figure that out no?

Gotta take care of business.  “Not today Sharon ...but 3 weeks ago we had one.”  “I remember that.” she says.  A dorm son is bringing In & Out for lunch today.  We’d love to share some with her but applesauce is a challenge at this point.  That doesn’t change the fact that Sharon has always been a lover of all things food and In and Out would rank relatively high.

7:50am  Father Art walks in, “Here’s your father  Sharon.”  “Yeah he’s handsome.”.  In retrospect I should have asked her how I look but that could have been dangerous.

I love the fact that two of these moments were focused on food.  This is an area that has been amazing.  I’ve been here over a week and have purchased just one meal and that one was at Taco Bell with Josh and I reckon he’d have gladly picked up the tab. 

8:00am The “Kat” is back.  She was a great nurse yesterday and will be again today.  We’ve loved several occasions of having the same nurse who was with us before.  I’ve said it already but we’ve been so blessed by the staff here at Sharp.  I’ve written no less than 19 Comment Care Cards about specific moments with various members of the Sharp family.   Praying nurse #4 was on par today with those who have gone before her.  Her mode of prayer was standing just outside the door.  The form matters not.  Our Lord loves to hear from us wherever we are.

I've been verbally acknowledging for a month or more now that I must be grieving.   Thus I set about looking for signs of the elements of grief and acknowledge them and their legitimacy in my life.  Some salvation from their destructive nature seems to be found in an equivalent or greater acceptance of the truth that all of life is about God who is real and is good and has provided counter measures for us to revel in.  So we were in the room with Sharon, breathing heavily, her father the pastor, her brother in law the psychologist, her sister the ICU nurse, her friend (just one of a million) Lana the the hand holding journeywoman and her husband the story telling nostalgian.  We are reviewing the stages of grief.  One would think that this crew could come up with these 5 stages so familiar to so many.  We wrestled a bit: Denial, Anger, Negotiation, Grief, Sadness, Acceptance.  “Aren’t sadness and grief the same?”  “Yes.” “So which do we like sadness or grief.” “Grief.” “ So now we ‘like’ grief?”  Laughter throughout.  So we sat next to the hard working Sharon laughing about ‘grief’.  Were she not working so hard at breathing she most certainly would have joined us and filled the room with her famous laugh.  We are grieving and we will continue to.  We will simultaneously grab hold of all the joy in life that God gives us and we will carry on. 

11/15 

Sharon finally settled in during the wee hours and "slept" some of the night, albeit still with very laboured breathing. This morning we met with Dr. Norton and got a clear, honest and loving picture of the status of her lymphoma.  Sharon is being placed on hospice here in the hospital.  While not nearly as successful as yesterday's "date" she's been up and out of bed for coffee this morning as well as winning a family game of Pass the Pigs, much to Marks chagrin as he was close behind.  There’s more to say but this will suffice for now. 

More from 11/14

So what to say about today?

I guess we'll  start with some "famous lines from Sharon.  "1.) "I am feeling a bit short of breath but it's good."

...always a model of optimism like her father... 

2.) Don't forget your red pillow....always remembering that last thing that's left in the hotel room when we depart. In this case the "hotel" was the ICU.

3.) "Remember to tell her we're in Rm515."...reminding me that we'd not informed Gwenn, who arrived back in SD today, that we'd moved out of ICU. Thank you for being aware and taking care of the details my ailing wife....

4.) "I'm lready fo my spleech not to slound flunny."  My personal favorite on the day because it made me laugh so much.  Not sure if it's the sores in her mouth or the dryness due to all the O2 input but either way her speech patterns are currently not up to snuff.

Next up a Timeline:

11/13

10:30pm Moving from ICU to Room 515. We are on the same floor, so that was nice yet, so sad because the night nurse in ICU was a treat. Not to worry the night nurse at 515 was equally sweet and just as capable. She kept wanting to "hear our story".  People never need to worry and yet we do. Trust is always an option when worry presents itself. We choose today to just walk one step at a time on this journey and take them as God leads.

11/14     6:15 AM

As I sit on the step of the apartment, shaved, and showered, ready to go to the hospital, enjoying the cool air as the sun rises while the birds chirp I entertain the question that so many have asked me "are you taking care of yourself?"  Well the past couple nights, thanks to Lana, I've  gotten 5-7 hrs sleep a night. That's a lot more than Sharon has. Praise God for peace of mind from the Lord to allow a weary mind to rest. A "big spider" found in the bathroom by my brave accomplice Josh is "not very big anymore".  Thank you God for non homo sapien sources to release some  frustration on. A week ago, while still back in Taiwan, I put the fear of God in three dogs that made the errant choice of chasing after me on my bike ride.  Were there to have been some aerial drone footage of that event it would surely go viral.  Moving on, the tendinitis in my left foot is not slaying me every step today.  After 6 days I'm glad to not be "hop a long Cassidy" anymore but a part of me is sad as well. Sharon is struggling. I should be struggling also, sure we both struggle in our hearts but joining her in a humble bit of physical difficulty has been oddly therapeutic.  Josh and I pull up to Einstein bagels. I tip the the cashier for contributing to a good start for what will, in all likelihood, be a challenging day and also the guy behind the counter who noticed the arrival of a customer before he entered the store, placing the order long before the surprised fellow arrived at the counter. I thanked the attendant for looking out for others. Examining this short review I feel like "I'm taking care of myself" but in this current public life we are living I'll allow myself to remain open to suggestion if you see some gaps.

7:15AM

When I arrive at the hospital Sharon's breathing is decidedly laboured and, as afore mentioned, her speech slurred.  The day nurse enters. Praying nurse #3. She delivers,  at her suggestion, as has been the case with each of them, this crazy good prayer.  Tears stream down my face...again.

8:30AM

A dorm son arrives to visit. "I thought you were coming this evening." I say "Uh" he responds. It's all good God is in control. This young man was just the companion that Josh needed during this day.  Later in the day on parting, with eyes brimming, he thanks Sharon for her influence in his life.

8:45AM

Breakfast arrives. Sharon chow's down half a bowl of cream of wheat all the while eyeballing the covered cup of coffee on the side. It's been a month since she had a cup. She gets out of bed and sits in a chair and we each share a coffee just like we have on thousands of mornings in the past 27 years. Clearly the best part of my day.  

9:00 AM

Two doctors follow. Their information is inconclusive and just leaves more questions.  This is not their fault at all. They simply report on what is a difficult case.  The expression of one feels sympathetic the other does not.  I was glad that my ire was mostly spent on the encounter with the dogs last week. We say our piece and part with our variant perspectives on amicable terms.   Praise God.  Next up is the PT from day 1.  "If 1/3 of my patients could be as motivated as you Sharon."  Much needed encouragement in that moment. So many wonderful new friends here from the Sharps Medical Center family.  Some seem to feel a bit awkward at my desire to connect yet after a brief spell are drawn to it. Jesus wants us all to connect. That's what heaven will be full of.  I've felt that here this week but it appears I may also be losing one connection, for a time anyway, that has become most dear of all.  Those letters are hard to type.  I'd gladly accept the unbelievable party it would be if we were to walk out of here hand in hand.  "Not my will but thine..."

10:30AM

Gwenn, Don and her father Art arrive. I really don't know where the rest of the day went. We took turns in our small private room listening to Sharon breath like an old fashioned steam locomotive. That's the best way I can describe it. She's been like that for several days. I'm tuckered just listening to her. She's one tough customer. It's like one long old time movie when the trains come in the station, only in this one the scene is put on an endless repeating loop.

Later in the afternoon she sits up to have "tea" (ice chips for Sharon) with her father as they also have on thousands of occasions.  Sharon, sitting in a chair again for a bit, puts her feet up on the bed much as she would if she were out on the deck up at our cabin in the UP.  Clearly the best part of Art Stejskal's day. The question is did Sharon enjoy morning coffee or afternoon tea more?  I suggest we just call it a draw.

It took energy and time to decide if James and Mark should come back out today or not.  In the end it feels like the right call. They are pretty incredible. I contacted them just after noon and they packed, made a 3 hour drive to Dallas and were on a 10:00pm flight west. Uncle Tim McGill would be so proud.  A Morrison alum who read the short blog message today offered to pick them up, get In & Out Burger and drop them at the hospital. They arrived here just in time to say "good night" to Sharon.  

7:00 PM

"Is this really her respiratory rate?" asks the new night nurse as she's checking in.  "Yes. Respiratory knows," responds praying nurse #3.  As noted earlier and is now substantiated Sharon has been breathing heavy for the past three days non stop.  As we all know she is a fighter. I'm proud of her, sad for her, and hurt with her.  I'm curious about her future.  I wish it to be less challenging than these past days have been. I think there might finally be some cannabis on the way tomorrow. That should help one way or another.

Until later

Shalom

Terry

PS: In retrospect I may be getting a bit wordy.  I can hear our college professor saying, "cut it in half."  I'm going to accept that I get the pass on this one.  It's been therapeutic, tears and all, so thank you all for bearing with.   We so appreciate all of you supporting us in so many ways and journeying with us in prayer. 

11/14

Dear Friends,

I have many great stories to tell from today but don't have the time to write them up right now.

Sharon got out of ICU last night but has not responded well to the move.     When they began saying she would move yesterday there were no private rooms available.  By the time we moved later in the evening we were placed in the only private room on this floor with a shower.  Wow. God is good.  

That being said times are tough.  I am having James and Mark return tonight.

Please pray for wisdom for us as are having to make some critical decisions.
Please pray for Sharon's breathing, that it will become less labored.
Please pray for a super birthday gift of healing for Sharon for tomorrow November 15th.

There is one amazing praise that I will give us all.   While Sharon's breathing is labored she is in no pain.   Everyone medical person that I speak with I ask, "should she be in pain." Most answer the same,  "most people in this situation would be experiencing some discomfort."  So either God has given Sharon a very high pain tolerance or he is taking away pain that should be there.  Praise Him for his power and protection.

We are safely held in His Might Hand.

Thank you for your vigilance

Terry

11/12-13

Sorry to have left everyone hanging a bit.  It’s been busy.  

A social report: James and Mark returned to college yesterday.  This morning I received texts from them informing mom of their safe arrival home.  Such good boys.  Josh and I were at an apartment not far from the hospital getting a few hours of sleep.  We’d survived the break and enter battle that occurred next door and were on our way out to the hospital.  I called Sharon to inform of her sons reported safety.  “I was just saying to Lana, I wonder if the boys are home yet.”  Always on duty Sharon is.  We enjoyed Josh sharing scripture with us that had been selected for him by his fellow “Sr. Leaders” back in Taiwan.  Local seminary students James and John Kong whom Sharon and I taught back in their middle school years are in San Diego and came by to pray for Sharon this morning.   Looking back at yesterday:  The praying nurse from the other day returned to be with us for Sunday morning.  We’d requested her and she’d requested us.  It’s nice to share being wanted.   She shared her great sermonesque story with us.  Sharon was comfortable and alert to enjoy the moment.   There are so many great people here in this ICU ward.  I wish I could share all the stories I’ve discovered with them. Alas we live in an online world that demands privacy and protection.  Heaven’s coming and all will be open and safe then.   We have received helped in difficult moments, and open sharing from the heart in others.    Last night we enjoyed a full on theological discussion with one nurse who is really in seeking mode and had questions to which she desires answers.  PTL  Later we learned that she informed another nurse that we are “super christians”.  Gotta love the humor in that.  I’ve asked permission to share todays nurses story by name because it is her name that is amazing.  Faith.  “Really“ I say to her, “that is your name?  We are needing that today.” “It gets better.” she says, “My mom is Grace and I have a sister named Hope.  I also have a brother….” she gave a perfectly timed pause during which I thought, “please don’t say he was named “Love”.  She says, “Joshua”.  “Ah” I tell her, “I like these names.  My mother was also a ‘Grace” and we have a Joshua right here.  I was secretly hoping that your brothers name wasn’t ‘Love.”  She says, “yeah but I wanted him to be named that.”  Again she gives a perfectly timed pause. “He would have been the greatest of us all.”  I had a good long laugh at that point.  While I’m still giggling she says, “There’s still more.  My full name is Faith Chekinah Grace Concepcion”.  “Wow” I say “you’ve got the most theologically complete name I’ve ever heard of.”  We share smiles in the pleasure of enjoying this great given name and all the fullness of it’s great meaning.  A bit later, unbeknownst to Faith, the cleaning lady came by.  “What’s your name?” my common introductory measure. “Maria” stated in a beautifully Latino form.  “Really” I’m saying to Lana.  Lana says, “where’s Jesus” (also  pronounced in the Spanish way)  Maria looks up and away as if searching her mind.  “3rd floor maybe I think.” she says.  I’m not making this up.  I don’t think I could even if I tried.  It’s lunch time.  Another nurse just stopped by with part of their homemade vegetables to share with Sharon, “wait a sec.” they say, “I’ve gotta go warm it up first.”  Really?  I’m blown away again.  Sharon has always loved her food hot.  This generosity goes the other direction as well.  We have so much food in this room I’d have to stay here a month to finish it all.  Turns out I’ve learned of a whole new hospital underworld of pleasure I never knew about.  The power that is released in a moment that a patient gives a staffer a snack is incredible.  Thus I’ve been on a hefty drive for us to be the most popular patients in the history of Sharps all the while solving the problem of diminishing the mounds of sustenance that our generous friends, who give above and beyond the call, have brought us.  One last social moment of sharing.  Two of the staff asked me to surprise the Pharmacist on duty, who is from Taiwan, with my Chinese.  I approached him and without introduction said in Mandarin, “Hey big brother (Da Ge) can we get some heavier meds for my wife please.”  He looked at me in shock and after it settled in for a moment said, “woah.”  His colleagues who put me up to it enjoyed the moment.  Okay I just said “one more moment” but now it’s gotta become two because an attendant just walked in with lovely get well balloons from one of the myriad of friends who are praying  for us and giving to us.  I gave the attendant a bag of chips.  “Eiyaah! One more additional story to add because they just keep coming.  Nurse Faith just came in and asked if she could pray over Sharon.  She did so quietly as she gently held Sharon’s face.  After awhile she said that  she saw Jesus holding Sharon in His hands like a little lamb.  She said to Sharon, “when I touched you I just felt, what a wonderful home for the Holy Spirit’”.  I’m standing there tears just streaming down my face.    ”Life should always be about sharing and there are so many ways to share. Thank you all so much it’s been a humbling experience thus far.

A physical report. Sharon’s blood has been relatively stable  but then this morning my vampirous wife received another bag of blood.  Probably bag #11 since all this began just over a week ago. Our thanks to the 11 individuals out there in the world who’ve given so that Sharon can receive the life giving energy that dwells there in.  She was working hard before and during that transfusion but she’s settled now, watching an episode of Call the Midwife with Lana.  That’s been our go to series during this battle with cancer  This is the cycle that she’s in that we can all pray her body can break free of.  She needs to make her own blood.  Beyond that she’s been getting rave reviews for every test that comes her way. Yesterday her airflow tube was downsized.  She went for a walk around the ward.  That PT gave her an A.  There is talk today of moving her out of ICU and downstairs to a regular room. These are all is a very good signs.  Despite all these successes Sharon said to me in one moment yesterday "I'm not out of the woods yet honey."   As usual she’s not wrong.  She lacks energy and breathing remains labored.  Her appetite not back yet which is odd for the daughter of Art Stejskal.  So here are your things to pray specifically for in Sharon’s body. 1.) personal blood regeneration. 2.) increased lung capacity (certainly a connection between those two) 3.) increased appetite 4.) internal temperature stabilization, she keeps getting hot then cold, nobody enjoys that fluctuation 5.) the disappearance of apparent cancer cells that remain and can be assumed to be growing. 

Each day seems replete with both challenges and blessings.  As they both keep coming and we will just keep crying and trying as we go forward step by step in faith that God  knows best and is leading with what is up next.