Sharon's Final Day

Wed.  11/29

I apologize in advance for the length of this piece of writing.  Should you choose to take the time required to proceed you are at the mercy of my grief.  Dr. Dan Jensen, used to teach writing in college and would regularly require students to “cut the document in half”.  I respect Dr. Jensen greatly but on this occasion am allowing myself to wallow in verbosity.  Thank you for your time and understanding. 

There are several pieces left to this story and for obvious reasons they are hard to write.  For the time being she is gone.  I fear I will not share what happened accurately. History always has more than one side. I have concern also that my view might offend some. My desire is to honor Sharon in regards to her life and in her passing. We've lived a public life these past 19 years, sharing time with 136 teenage "family" members.  There is much to celebrate. I hope the following words hit the "bullseye" of praise that Sharon's life deserves.

Levity has been one of the mediums of this expression and rightfully so for anyone who knew Sharon will not be able to forget the base fact that her hallmark was laughter. It's the most common thread through all the many pages that have been written about her recently.  These next two pieces are a description of serious scenarios, her passing and her cremation.  I fear some may feel unease with levity drawn here as being inappropriate.  If that is your sense as you read I apologize.   I'd like however, for us all to always remember Sharon with the laugh that we loved and will now occasionally crave. She's had that from the start, thank you Lord, and deserves it to the end I feel.  They say it is the best medicine right?  We are all in need of medicine now.  With that in mind, coupled with our faith that she was leaving , and now has left this broken world which will always be in need of a smile, I am at peace having read this many times before posting.  She's in heaven giving that thumbs up that she gave to so many friends and hospital staff in her final week and voicing that word of approval that she gave her friend Karla, "bullseye".

November 16, the day after Sharon's 54th birthday. 

Micah Foreman arrived midday with In & Out burgers for lunch.  "How'd the ordering go" I asked him, knowing that In & Out can be a trial in that department.  "I'm from Tucson" he said, "I don't know how to order this So Cal stuff.  I just showed her your text and they took care of it. I was nearly 'jumped' on my way in several times though. That's a serious box of burgers."   A fitting tribute to Sharon for lunch on this day.  She loved a good burger.   A decade ago, on a sports tournament concessions day at Morrison, Sharon and I were walking in opposite directions. 20 yards out she began the conversation. "Should I get another burger? I don't really need one but they're so good.“  I didn't really need to be there. The conversation was with herself and she knew the right answer, like we so often do, but equally often, don't like the answer so we continue the conversation hoping we can alter the answer in our "favour”.  Favor was put in quotes because so often it's not so much our favour as it is our "preference". Anyway, as I said,  I was going the opposite direction that day long ago so I don't know the actual end of that story. I'd guess she got the burger but she was a woman of strong will and conviction so I can equally see a scenario where she listened to the voice of reason and held off on the gluttonous moment.  Were we to switch places I most certainly would have gotten the burger. The beauty of that thought is that while Sharon would have perhaps questioned that choice of mine and certainly would have voiced her opinion she would not have deprived me of the selected pleasure nor judged me for my choice.  Well this certainly is a lengthy and nostalgically philosophical diversion on a subject, or tangent perhaps, of a topic so simple,  yet it's so fitting.  As it turns out, Sharon's final words were about food.  While I might have liked them to be either of these nearby options ,"see how obedient I was." Or regarding her father, "he's a handsome man".  Both of those are honoring to her integrity and her complimentary nature and would have been commendable.  

 However, as it turns out, her last words were in fact "In & Out", expressed with serious intent to get out of that bed and into a car and go for just one more double double.  It is perfect really because, although laughter seems to be the reminiscent recurrent theme for those who've written about her, she remains Sharon, daughter of Art Stejskal, whose most every letter to us in the past 27 years has been a litany of that day's consumption.  That Art’s  daughters final words should have been about food is perfect. Sharon understood the value being together and the way in which food is so often the catalyst that makes connection happen. As singer song writer Rich Mullens, who also left us early in life,  said of his mother, "she could make a gourmet meal out of just cornbread and beans." Every meal Sharon ever made was an event in and of itself, most often with meaningful conversation and always with that most prominent gift God gave her, laughter.  Thank you Micah. You didn't get her in a car to go to In and Out as she desired, in fact she didn't  even get a bite from that magnificent box of burgers but it was in the room and I'm sure she  reveled inside at the scent.

The afternoon is a blur. I'm sure it was spent watching Sharon work hard to breath as we did so much those last few days, wanting as everyone ever involved in her life to "do something, anything" to help. Really what we all wanted was to keep her around longer even if it was just for a bit, to enjoy the sweet pleasure of the "game" she brought.  Her living in this past year has been, if anything, even sweeter than it was in years past. Once she accepted that this battle was here to stay for the time being and that she would take on that fight, she lived with even more energy, poise and smiles than she had previously .  Appropriate perhaps now to share one last time her three best lines making light of a difficult situation. 

1.) "best weight loss program ever."

...regarding cancers destruction of 40 of the pounds she carried around. 

2.) "I should have gotten cancer a long time ago. Everybody's telling me how beautiful I look now." ...regarding the many compliments for her creative head ware...

3.) "painless PT." ...as her strange frozen shoulder of several months "mysteriously" disappeared during the homeopathic stage of her fight against the cancer.

By 6:00 Micah had departed and former dormies Miller and Guro arrived with more Mexican food. As we are eating and sharing  in the waiting room  I looked up and Lana was beckoning me from the doorway.  It's that moment when the eyes speak and mouth does not need to.  "You should come now" she said silently.  I called my unsuspecting sons and we walked, my feet were heavy.  As the rest of the family members followed Guro and Miller were left alone in the waiting room.  When I reached room 515 I was very uncomfortable and couldn’t settle in my spirit.  Without entering the room I circled back to the waiting room and beckoned my dorm children to come join the family. I wish all 136 could have been there and squeezed into that little private room.  Alas Angela (Alias "Guro"), who grew up in a Taiwanese family but loves Christmas because she spent just 3 years living with Sharon and Stephen (alias "Miller"), who finally conceded to us after many discussions that “yes it's true he doesn't understand women”; these two had the task of representing the masses from 19 years of McGill Dorm history in this pivotal moment. Others on hand for this horrendous yet glorious brief season included friends and family new and old, hand picked for the occasion. Rachel whom I'd just met that week in San Diego. Rachel is a fellow TCK and is warm and instantly connective. She works in Tijuana and was helpful in getting Sharon back across the border earlier in the week. Her friend Jane, whom I'd never met but is unassuming and sweet and somehow fit in perfectly.  Jesus welcomes everyone.  Tess, the nurse on duty who, in the space of a few hours clearly loved us and prayed privately outside the door for Sharon.  Praying nurse #1, who hurried over from ICU, having just gotten off duty.   Lana the brave and generous friend who helped Sharon fight cancer as she had always wanted to even if that form of the battle ended up being brief. Megan, Sharon's ship piloting US Naval officer niece who'd planned on joining us in Taiwan for Thanksgiving but altered her travel arrangements and had  just flown in from Japan. Megan's parents Don, the counselor with his constant calm presence and sister Gwenn, the ICU nurse whose ever attentive and experienced care made the last week with Sharon bearable for me. Sharon's father Art, the eternal optimist, who will turn 90 just after the new year.  There is a short novel that waits to be written about this consistent man who raised two amazing daughters, one of whom lay before him not wanting to leave him before his upcoming birthday party but having no choice but to go ahead to a party much better.  Finally the four men who have been most directly involved in Sharon's life for the past 27 years. Josh the future PE teacher full of her passion, James the future friend of Jesus to the Muslim world full of her compassion and Mark the future civil engineer full of her conviction and finally me the story teller, who knows no strangers, her best friend over the past quarter of a century, full of so much of her in so many ways. 

This is the eclectic crew that God assembled to join with Sharon as she parted ways with this world …because He welcomes everyone.

We sang some hymns. Lana and Rachel should receive a medal of some sort for a combination of courage and persistence, to honor their efforts in this regard.  Our collective production was less than impressive and might best be described as unprepared, lacking in energy and cohesion.  I'm not even sure if those are fitting words to describe a musical event but I think they are probably accurate as well as seemingly appropriate.  While Sharon and I have both loved music neither of us could ever be described as having any musical prowess. I think someone finally got something going on a phone that we could all hum along with and that was a blessed improvement.  

I heard, "Somebody tell a story."   "Well I wonder who should do that?" I thought.  I'd not prepared anything for this moment. I'm not sure that one can, or if somehow they were able to, even should.  Sometimes spontaneity brings out the best, or at least most honest response.  Between those two unequal opponents Sharon would have chosen the honest response. I hope that is what she got.

I spoke first of Sharon's tip for managing the common problem of sipping hot drinks without burning your tongue.  Free of charge from Sharon to you and the several nodding heads in the room as I brought it up: just generate a bit of saliva on the tip of your tongue and it acts as insulation, works every time.  

Next up was Sharon's cooking prowess.  I reckon that is easily in the top five things I will miss the most.  I brought up the aforementioned Rich Mullins song that says "his mom could make a gourmet meal out of just cornbread and beans."  As so many of you can attest most every meal with Sharon was both an experience and a pleasure.

Next up was the tale of the big fire & the little hose.  Sharon and I always sought to bring both adventure and order to life in the dorm.  Perhaps it was I who sought a range of adventure and she who sought to bring order.   At any rate, in an effort to aid the adventure side of that equation I used to light big fires for the lads. Around Chinese New Years it is customary in Taiwan to dump out the old and bring in the new. Hence there is often a lot of used furniture sitting on the side of the road waiting to be hauled to the dump.  We'd get the blue truck and go foraging for fuel. Then, come evening, we'd build a tower with our loot and I'd climb a ladder and pour gasoline all over it leaving a trail running back some 20 yards.  A quick flick of the thumb on a lighter and the power of a pyrotechnical show with front row seats was only moments away.  The last of these engagements was a dousey and for whatever reason I'd invited the girls along as well.  I'm so glad I did because my brother, the school superintendent, ended up building a housing high rise for staff right on top of my burn site.  Likely he thought it the only way to put a stop to this dangerous tradition.   Truth be known, as Sharon would want, I always asked my brothers permission hence he knew these were happening and I've always wondered if he didn't position himself in some nearby window to enjoy the show. The building plan occurred after this fire but I wonder if I didn't somehow know this would be the last of these rides. At any rate I'd pulled out all the stops, collecting a grand cache of dressers and desks that then secretary Beth Turner had tipped me off about. I must admit that even I was a bit concerned on this one as the flames and heat rose high with trees over the wall nearby.  So where is Sharon in all of this? Her role, as it turns out, is two fold. Both were integral.  First, for the simple fact that she'd even let me do this.  There are plenty of folk in this world, in fact perhaps most, maybe even most of you reading this, who would have said flatly, "no". "That is unsafe and we should not do it."  Had she stated thus I would have complied, disgruntedly,

of course, but obedient to her wisdom in the end. Alas she did not and therein lies another beauty of Sharon. An event that she could control, that scared her, she allowed, trusting me, even though it was hard for her I'm sure.   In the end she gave memorable pleasure to some 95 odd people roaming the earth today who can say, "that was crazy and I was there to witness it." What a gift she gave of this nature on that and numerous other occasions.  Sharon's second gift was that of vigilance. During this violent session she stood on the side holding a slender hose gently dripping with a bit of water.  At the height of the blaze her small precautionary measure would have done little to quell the flames. That's not the point though. The fact that she was thinking about it, had a plan, and was ready to act speaks to the protective nature she  shared with us all.  I don't know what I'm going to do without that.  Even just since she's been gone to the States I confess that I've left the coffee pot empty and on twice. Who will watch out for me now? I have confessed this to Josh and he says he will watch out for this. He is her son, but seeing as he doesn't turn off the lights much either it's hard for me to trust his vigilance as I could Sharon's.

As I watched her heart rate slow on the monitor I moved on to the next thought of her that came to mind.  Event planning was a skill of Sharon's that will be sorely missed as well.  Each year in the McGill Dorm we've held a Blind Date Night at which we invite a date for each of our dorm kids to attend a meal and some games.  Someone asked about our craziest one. There is no question as to the correct answer. It only happened once.  Dare, never mind "truth", just "Dare”.  A dozen of them in a row and everybody did it all.   I told the students that we invited I couldn't guarantee they would enjoy the event but I could promise it would be memorable. 1.) A shot of lemon juice 2.) wasabi peanuts. 3.) grab a banana with one hand and squeeze vigorously. 4.) Bite off a chunk of apple and shoot it from your mouth across the table into your partners mouth.  Most failed miserably at this, no doubt on purpose.  5.) Girls smash their feet in a bowl of soft spaghetti noodles. 6.) Guys wash the girls feet and then place marshmallows between her toes and then bravely bite them out. Time to take the party outside. 7.) Grab a glob of peanut butter and give your partner a good firm handshake. 8.) Get a bottle of coke and drink it in one swig.  If you are unable to finish it in one shot you have to pour the rest over your head.  9.) Get a raw egg and crush it under your arm pit.  Sadly I was the only person to complete this apparently impossible task.  For those with eggs left over, which was everyone, the girl got to drop it from the balcony for their date to “catch”.  None of the eggs survived. 10.) We proceeded out to the mud pit I had prepared.  One person got a bottle of chocolate syrup and the other a can of whipped cream with instructions to shower each other standing toe to toe.  11.) Each person received a can of crazy string to spray their partner with.  12.) we rolled in the mud beneath us.   After a break, for everyone to shower and place their garments in the trash,  Sharon prepared a 16 foot long burrito and a 12 foot long banana split dessert for them to enjoy following their recent ordeal.  Those kids were all troopers. Fittingly Miller and Guro who were in the room with us had been on hand for that crazy gig that Sharon and I orchestrated.

Finally I noted Sharon’s laughter at Morrison drama performances.  Mr. Beck, the director would tell the actors and actresses that on the nights that Sharon was there they’d likely have to allow just a bit of extra wait time for Sharon’s laughter to settle before they delivered their next line.  She livened up the room. 

With such a talented and multifaceted person as Sharon was it's tough to choose what to talk about.  Those the five representative moments that came to my mind in her closing moments. 

As I spoke Sharon's heart rate slowed and her breathing eased.   Various family members leaned over and whispered their final comments in her ear, giving her permission, against our collective desire, to go on ahead and wait for us over there where we will be together one day. 

Thank you to those of you who've read this, for going back in time and joining us in that room.  Sharon was an introvert and loved her time alone, despite that she spent her life sharing with people and she'd have wanted you all to be there.